i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
