Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
