You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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