In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
