If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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