If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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