i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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