btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
