I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
