Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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