There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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