I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
