My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
