I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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