"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
