I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
