trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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