It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
