i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
