So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
