There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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