when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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