you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
