he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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