I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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