I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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