I want to have your abortion
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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