take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
