My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
