Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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