Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
