I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
