i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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