girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
