I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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