chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
