One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Sober January is a disaster.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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