I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
