So drunk its hurt
i jhust puked up my retainher.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
