how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
