So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
