if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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