Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
