i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dick very happy bro
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
