I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
