So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize