I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
