We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
