someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
