I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
operation harelip BJ is a go
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize