How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
