I cockslap morals
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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