Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
