Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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