The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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