So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
