so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
