apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
