I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You smell like stripper and shame
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
