I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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