You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
