I have demons in me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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