How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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