i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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