Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
