dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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