puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
