Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
